I-messages

I-messages are effective communication techniques to use when talking with another person.  The goals of I-messages are to keep interactions positive, and avoid blame, guilt, judgment, and shame.  I-messages express your own feelings, while “you” messages place assumptions or judgments onto the person with whom you are speaking.  A “you” message would sound like, “You need to pay more attention!” or “You shouldn’t be acting like that.”^[1]

Here is an example of turning a “you” message into an I-message.  The “you” message might be something like, “You always disobey our rules and do whatever you want!” However, turning it into an I-message might sound more like this, “I feel angry when you disobey the rules we’ve laid out for you because I feel disrespected.  I like it when you obey the rules, guidelines, and boundaries we have in this family because it makes me feel like you care about me, yourself, and the whole family.”^[2]

How to use this method:

• “I feel ___
• When ___
• Because ___
• I like ___”^[3]

This outline expresses how you feel about a given situation, action, or behavior by explaining what you feel, why you feel that way, and what you would like the desired behavior to be.